Poems are not for the faint of heart. Count and compare syllables, scrutinize rhymes. Look at the sentences with an eye towards story continuity. If rhymes are forced, look for alternatives. The original submission is on the left, our recommended revisions for consideration are on the right.
The important thing is to recognize why it is
that the versions on the left won't work. While we've made a few
notes on this page, we haven't covered them all. You'll be able to see them
clearly yourself in this side-by-side example, though. Numbers represent syllables
in various lines. While numbers sometimes help to visualize a "fit", equal number
syllable couplets can differ if one feels "forced". While you're welcome to
use the words in the suggested revisions, the purpose is to show you what CAN
be done to make your rhyme work. Remember, it's not just rhyming words and syllables,
it's the way a stanza reads, the way it flows, the way you combine
the story AND the rhyme that counts! .
HERE'S THE BEST TEST:
You're more than capable of doing a good job with this, and boy-type people just love poo-humor . Back to the drawing board!
Take a look at the Goggle tales for examples of rhyming stories that really work.
Willie Goes Poo
In the middle of WalMart
My mother starts running
She doesn't slow down
But there is a problem
The elevator's full
By the time the doors open
Just when I think
She changes his diaper
Now, I love my brother
I plan to get even
There we were at WalMart - 6 syllables
My mother, she starts running
She doesn't seem to notice
But now, there is a problem
Oh rats! The elevator's full.
At long LAST the doors slide open
The parking lot! It seemed to me
But my Mom, she is amazing
Now, I love my little brother - 8
Of course I could get even - 7
You can march around the room to this one as well.
This one is from The Adventures of AG Bear.
Someone's cleaned out the attic
Or emptied the garage
Though it often looks like trash,
Sometimes value's no mirage
First we sift it and we sort it
Then we offer it to you--
With a little bit of effort,
It's sometimes just like new!
If you'll take the time to browse,
We can promise you'll be WOWed!
It's a blend of new and old,
For you to have, and you to hold
If you'll walk through at your leisure
We're quite sure you'll find a treasure,
And we guarantee no fleas
(Although the dust might make you sneeze!)
Over here, glove, ball and bat
Over there, top hat and spats!
Find a Lionel train or,
Get all decked out for rain
Here's an ancient steamer trunk
That's still stuffed full of junk,
There's an autographed picture
Of your grandma's favorite hunk
Here's an oriental rug,
Want a plastic encased bug?
How 'bout a busted garden hoe?
Hey, here's a genuine Van Gogh!
From a monogrammed towel
To somebody's old stuffed owl,
You'll find everything from C-Clamps,
To alligator lamps!
Everyone has something,
With-which they don't know WHAT to do,
So they sift it and they sort it,
And they offer it to you.
Cars and trucks are overflowing,
Bringing wondrous things to view,
'Cause, everyone has SOMETHING
That's more interesting to YOU!
Got MORE junk than you can deal with,
Hey, WE know just what to do, by golly,
We.... PARK it----
At the Flea MARKET!
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