Bedtime-Story
For the Busy Business-Parent
Whimsical Bedtime Stories for Children of All Ages
http://www.bedtime-story.com/bedtime-story
THIS IS AN AUTHOR WORKPAGE

Poems are not for the faint of heart. Count and compare syllables, scrutinize rhymes. Look at the sentences with an eye towards story continuity. If rhymes are forced, look for alternatives. The original submission is on the left, our recommended revisions for consideration are on the right.

The important thing is to recognize why it is that the versions on the left won't work. While we've made a few notes on this page, we haven't covered them all. You'll be able to see them clearly yourself in this side-by-side example, though. Numbers represent syllables in various lines. While numbers sometimes help to visualize a "fit", equal number syllable couplets can differ if one feels "forced". While you're welcome to use the words in the suggested revisions, the purpose is to show you what CAN be done to make your rhyme work. Remember, it's not just rhyming words and syllables, it's the way a stanza reads, the way it flows, the way you combine the story AND the rhyme that counts! .

HERE'S THE BEST TEST:
When you READ this aloud, it should flow SO smoothly you ought to be able to either RAP to it or MARCH around the room to it, without breaking your stride even once.


You're more than capable of doing a good job with this, and boy-type people just love poo-humor . Back to the drawing board!

Take a look at the Goggle tales for examples of rhyming stories that really work.

Willie Goes Poo

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

In the middle of WalMart
Willie's face it turns blue
This happens whenever
My little brother goes poo.

My mother starts running
With one hand on her nose
The smell is so bad
I throw up on her toes.

She doesn't slow down
Look left or look right
Every person we pass
Is quick to take flight.

But there is a problem
We are quick to see
The smell is clearing level 2
But we parked on level 3.

The elevator's full
So we have to share
Two people faint
And the rest cry for air.

By the time the doors open
We all have watering eyes
My mother looks worried
She hopes that nobody dies.

Just when I think
We will escape serious harm
His diaper starts leaking
Poo runs down Mom's arm.

She changes his diaper
As quick as a flash
And pitches the stinkbomb
In the nearest trash.

Now, I love my brother
That anyone can see
But the poo on Mom's arm
Ran down all over me.

I plan to get even
Maybe put worms in his bed
But he smiles and hugs me
So I kiss him instead.
Poem Needed Work

EDITING DIVISION SUGGESTED REVISIONS

There we were at WalMart - 6 syllables
When Willie's face turned blue - 6
It happens every time - 6
My little brother has to poo. - 8

My mother, she starts running
With one hand upon her nose
The smell is so incredible
I throw up on her toes.

She doesn't seem to notice
Far and wide from left to right
That every person in our aisle
Has quickly taken flight

But now, there is a problem
Which we are quick to see
While the smell is clearing level 2
Our car’s on level 3.

Oh rats! The elevator's full.
It seems we have to share
Two people faint right on the spot
The rest, they cry for air.

At long LAST the doors slide open
Now we all have weeping eyes
My mother's looking worried
She hopes that no one dies.

The parking lot! It seemed to me - 8
We’d yet escape the harm - 6
When the diaper sprang a leak and...8
Poo ran down my Mommy's arm.7
Rhyming couplet tells a story

But my Mom, she is amazing
Changed his pants quick as a flash
Said for me to pitch the stink bomb
Into the nearest trash.

Now, I love my little brother - 8
That anyone can see - 6
But the poo that ran down Mommy's arm - 9
Then ran all over me. - 6

Of course I could get even - 7
Putting worms into his bed - 7
But since Willie smiled and hugged me - 8
I might share a kiss instead. - 7

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Copyright 1999 - All Rights Reserved

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