I Found Your Phone
(c) 2018 C.K.Gurin
What do you mean you found my phone? You're texting me ON my phone.
Did you lose your phone?
A long time ago. I had insurance. They replaced it.
I found it. It works. Nobody ever turned it off. So it's mine. Unless you want it back.
Of course I want it back. You can't just use somebody else's phone.
Are you getting billed for it?
There you go. So now YOU have a phone, and I have a phone.
Who ARE you and what are you doing with my phone?
It's not your phone any more, and my name is Bernard.
Bearcat? That's cool. So you're Native American, right?
No. I'm a Bearcat. My name is Bernard.
What do you mean, you're a Bearcat?
Do you not speak Google?
Look it up.
Look WHAT up?
Listen, you're giving me a headache. Tell me where you are and I'll come get my phone.
I'm in a tree.
I'm in a tree. Actually it's an abandoned treehouse. Nobody was using it. So now I have a house and a phone.
Dude, you need a charger for my phone. What am I saying? I'm going to come get my phone. Where are you?
I'm in my treehouse. And somebody bootlegged a line from an electric pole, so I've got power. I also have a phone charger. I found it in the trash. I should probably order a flat screen TV. There seems to be money in a PayPal account linked to this phone.
Bernard, don't even THINK of charging a flatscreen to my PayPal account. I will hunt you down, buddy.
You could come visit, you know. But I should warn you. The treehouse doesn't have a ladder. Can you climb trees? Do you have a tail?
No I don't have a tail, you nitwit. I'm a human.
What do you mean, you're not?
I'm a Bearcat.
I thought you said that was your last name.
It is. Effectively. It's not Bernard Groundhog. It's Bernard Bearcat.
Stop. Just stop. You're a human. Animals don't use smartphones and they don't send text messages.
Shows how much you know. Did you look me up yet? Go ahead. I'll wait.
Give me a minute.
OK, I'm back. I looked them up. They're sort of weird looking.
EXCUSE ME??? I'm not weird looking.
I didn't say YOU were weird looking, I was talking about bearcats. Raccoon shaped face, cat ears, cat whiskers, body like a chubby little bear cub, long fluffy tail, 5 digit paws I take that back, actually they're kind of cute. There was a picture of one of them sleeping and his little pink tongue was sticking out.
That was me.
Give me a break.
I'm famous. Or I used to be. I escaped.
An exotic animal pet shop. There was a fire.
It's OK, I managed to get everybody out of their cages in time. But there were a lot of flyers with my picture on them. I was famous.
Listen Bernard, that's a very creative story, but I really do need to get my phone back.
What would you do with it? With your phone. If I gave it back?
Well, I already have a replacement phone so I guess I'll just stick it in a drawer in case I lose this one.
Nope. That won't work. I need a phone. You can't have house without a phone. It's not safe. Suppose burglars came? Suppose I had a fire? I have a house. I need a phone.
Don't you care about my wellbeing?
Bernard, I don't even KNOW you. You're just some weird guy who's pretending to be a freaking marsupial or something.
Marsupials have pouches. You know, like Kangaroos. And flying squirrels. I'm not a marsupial. I'm a Bearcat. I have a terrific tail though. I can use my tail to hang upside down. It's very strong. I could snap a photo.
Bernard, I do NOT want to see any naked pictures of you, so just forget it.
CLICK - CROP - SEND
Bernard, I thought I just told you holy cow!
What's the matter?
You're a Bearcat.
You're a little slow on the uptake. That's what I've been telling you.
Spit it out. But what?
But that doesn't make any sense. How can you be typing? And talking?
I'm not actually talking, I'm typing. When I try to talk I sound like a cat. Have you ever tried to talk to a cat?
Yeah, I have a cat. I talk to him all the time.
Really? That's interesting. We might get along pretty well then.
Wait, how did you learn English? How did you learn how to type?
I had the run of the pet shop. The guy who worked there had a smartphone. He let me play with it. He wanted to see if I could be taught to communicate, you know like that gorilla, but typing instead of sign language.
Did you let him know you learned how?
No. That would have landed me in a stupid zoo or something.
I I don't quite know what to say
Say I can keep your phone.
Uhhh OK. I guess.
Cool beans. Listen, do you have a flat screen TV?
Um yeah. Why do you ask?
Order a pizza. We can watch a movie. I'll be there in a half hour. Get anchovies.
Bernard, wait I don't think that's a very Bernard? Bernard??
Oh for Pete's… Put the damn phone down, Bernard.
P.S. Scroll back up the page and click on my picture.